Thursday, September 24, 2015

"...Looking For A Way To Make Money, Have Fun And Just Sort Of Go Wherever The Wind Blows You..?"



One of the reasons that it's fun to do a talk radio show.

The qualification requirements are pretty surmountable.







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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

"...Sell Crazy Somewhere Else...We're All Stocked Up Here...."



 some greatest hits from this past Sunday night's show---




---about that guy at the Trump rally who told the Donald that everybody knows Barack Obama is a Muslim---

"......the large majority of the reader comments I saw in the last day or two were critical of both the asshat who asked the question and Trump for not responding with any grace or class at all….
and if he couldn’t find it in his brain cells to offer up anything else, the very least Trump might have done is take the on ramp to the high road for a few minutes and offer up that among the other freedoms this country enjoys, freedoms that people like the asshat there would probably scream bloody murder at losing, among those freedoms is the freedom of religion…in other words, although anyone with a brain knows that Barack Obama is no more a Muslim than I identify as a female, the real bottom line is, so what? so what if he actually was or is a Muslim? the Constitution of the United States says NOTHING about one religion or another being a qualifier or disqualifier to run for or hold office….it does say something though about the separation of church and state…but that part gets overlooked a lot because a lot of people spend most of their time reading and re reading and re reading the second amendment….
oh, wait, that’s right, it was Muslims who flew planes into the towers…and it was Shintos, Buddhists and Confucianists who dropped the bombs on Pearl Harbor—oh…it was a Christian who lined the Jews up and shoved them into the ovens…..guess we better start looking for a really patriotic athesist to run this country…
and high road? Donald wouldn’t know the high road if that was the only path to pick up his daughter for a date…you know, if she wasn’t his daughter and all...."







---about the 14 year old named Ahmed who got arrested for bringing a "homemade" clock to school---

"...okay, now in the interest of fair play and full disclosure, it turns out the kid didn’t exactly so much create a new clock as he cannibalized some old digital clock parts and put them into a different case, but what the hell, cant speak for you, but at that age, the most scientific thing I created was a really cheesy volcano made out of plaster of paris----AND---in fairness, in a culture where we land with both feet on anybody who doesn’t ALWAYS err on the side of protecting our school kids at all costs, we can’t fault the teacher for not being able to tell the difference between a clock and a bomb and calling in the experts….but what this episode did, AGAIN, was shine a light, AGAIN, on how QUICKLY and AUTOMATICALLY, SO MANY PEOPLE find not a reason to be concerned or opposed to something as they find an EXCUSE TO HATE
if this kid had been “ smiling little Kenny Caucasian” and not darker skinned Ahmed Mohamed, would this story gotten any farther than the daily buzz in a high school’s hallways?.....No….
but BECAUSE the lynch mob never sleeps and is ever vigilant and ever ready with a rope when they hear anything that sounds even remotely like Ahmed or Mohamed or Hussein, they hear that sound and that part of the brain that controls ignorance lights up like…well, like a cheesy volcano made out of plaster of Paris... and….IGNORANCE BREEDS FEAR AND FEAR BREEDS HATRED AND HATRED BREEDS STUPIDITY---and then THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND... "





---SARAH PALIN is back mouthing off...so we went looking for some of Caribou Barbie's more memorable "quotes"---

  "So we discussed what was going on in Africa. And never, ever did I talk about, Well, gee, is it a country or is it a continent, I just don't know about this issue."

"Mr. President, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke."

"I didn't really had a good answer, as so often -- is me."

"But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies."

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree."

"Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate."

"'Refudiate,' 'misunderestimate,' 'wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!"

well, okay, here’s some new words we came up with:

SARAH-DICULOUS
SAIRHEAD
BRISDUMB
PALINCOMPARISON   as in pretty much all the stupid things ever said by anybody PALINCOMPARISON to the SARAHDICULOUS things that come out of SAIRHEAD’s mouth…
BUT, of COURSE, the SCARY THING HERE…the number of people who STILL believe this doorknob is qualified to be in charge of ANYTHING---



---on Trump's immigration "policy" and some other undesirables we're overlooking---

"...Trump’s campaign promise to deport all the undocumented immigrants has struck a chord with a lot of people...like, for example, the American patriots who were screaming out WHITE POWER at his rally in Alabama….and it was just that expression of red, white and blue fervor that got me thinkin….Trump may be on to something….but that deport the Mexicans thing? why, that should just be the beginning…
because, you know, IN THIS country----over 49 million Americans have German ancestry and you know its only a matter of time before the Nazi Party decides its time to rise up and start killing Jews and creating the master race again, so we better start figuring out how to get rid of all those storm trooper types with that sauerkraut scented German blood
over 35 million Americans have Irish ancestry and you know that Irish political party, Sinn Fein  has been directly connected to the IRA, that bunch of terrorists who blow things up and kidnapped Patty Hearst back in the 70’s and its only a matter of time before we find out they have training camps getting ready to overthrow the red white and blue, so we better be real suspicious of anybody named O’Leary or O’Hara or McKendrick or McManners and come to think of it, how about that Mc Donald’s place where everybody gathers together eating hamburgers and plotting against us?
over 31 million Americans have Mexican ancestry, but we don’t need to sweat those dark skinned demons because whatever’s left when Donald finishes crating them up and sending them back south of the border will surely be taken care of by those  redneck morons who scream out WHITE POWER at Trump rallies….
over 9 million Americans have French ancestry and you know those strange accented cheese eaters like to chop peoples heads off with that, what’s that thing called, oh, yeah the GILL-OH TEEN…well, we don’t want their kind spreading their stinky camembert all over our great nation, so let’s round them up, tres quick see voo play…
and, by the way, not for nothin’ but while we’re cleaning up our pure, clean lilly white US of A, we might want to remember that:
Ronald Reagan, who the Republicans keep throwing down as the gold standard when it comes to great Presidents, where were his people from…Ireland,,,you know we just talked about them Irish and their terrorist ways….
George W Bush, meanwhile, is directly related to, wait for it, Pocahontas that native American chick and we all know what those Native Americans did to our wagon train folks back in the good old days of the Wild West, the AMERICAN wild west…
oh…and one more thing we really need to keep an eye on….George W Bush, Ronald Reagan, Thomas Jefferson and a whole lot of other Presidents of these here United States…ALL directly related to King John of England who signed the Magna Carta in 1215….which makes them, technically, and officially, cousins….oh, forgot to mention, there’s one other cousin on that list….Barack Hussein Obama---
and finally, when it comes to this passionate, almost hysterical, business of shipping people back where they came from, no group of Americans is more supportive of, excited about or in favor of the idea than a very proud and traditional group of Americans…Native Americans---I guess we should all thank God Donald Trump isn’t an Apache or a Navajo or a Cherokee---or we’d all be looking at being herded on to some pretty big ships and sent sailing back to where we came from ..."


 


AND---
the hard copy of a "public service announcement" I wrote and recorded this past week---
 
"...hi…I’m Scott Edward Phelps…many of you know me as SEP the host of the award winning, news/talk commentary radio program SEP Nighttime, voted best news talk commentary radio program for almost six months in a row now by the people to whom I owe money and who really really want to see the show succeed so I can pay them---right now, though, I want to talk to you as SEP the regular guy, SEP the voter, SEP the husband, father and grandfather---SEP the guy who knows over six hundred different ways to work in saying SEP in a public service announcement like this----and I want to tell you about a serious and dangerous threat to health…not necessarily your health, that would depend largely on what kind of good or crappy shape you were in personally to begin with…no, I’m talking about the health of America---the home of the brave and land of the free, from sea to shining sea, from the mountains to the prairie, to the oceans white with foam, which is actually just more sea to shining sea….and a danger to the health of our country unlike any danger to the health of our country that we have seen in the history of the health of our country---an affliction, an infection, a disease…a virus…..more deadly than the plague, more lethal than Ebola, more cancerous than cancer, more meezaluss than the measles---a virus that has found its way into the bloodstream of the mainstream in the clear running stream of every single American who screams for ice cream----a virus that, if not somehow stopped, will very likely end life as we know it on the planet…or at the very least make each day a real bitch---I’m talking about I.S.H….ignorant stupid hate---actually, ISH has been around for centuries…because, with a sense of humor that only the Lord God of all creation could possess, there have always been a few people in our day to day lives who were ignorant and stupid and hated because they were ignorant and stupid---but we only knew about the ignorant and stupid in our own neighborhood or village or town and we didn’t know anything the ignorant and stupid in other people’s neighborhoods or villages or towns because life was simple and we only knew how to relax and reflect…NOT how to reboot….then…just like we accidentally discovered that mold could give us lifesaving penicillin, two things happened that broke down the protective walls between neighborhoods and villages and towns, two things that set the ignorance and stupidity and hatred free to spread like an ignorant, stupid, hatred-ee wildfire----the Internet…and Mark Zuckerberg----suddenly, the ignorant and stupid in your neighborhood were able to spread their ignorance and stupid to my neighborhood and to the entire land of the free, home of the brave---by commenting and posting and reading others comments and posts and, suddenly, those ignorant and stupid haters who had only had the ears of a few unfortunate neighbors now had the ears of every single American twenty four hours a day seven days a week… and once the virus was unleashed, it spread like Sabra Hummus on a piece of bark---and for every reasonable, caring, decently educated person in America who expressed a thoughtful, insightful, measured opinion about the events of the day, there were, and are, now thousands of asshats expressing ignorant, stupid opinions…the kind of ignorant, stupid opinions that breed fear, the kind of fear that breeds hate…..ignorant, stupid, hate…..I S H….by the way, the virus was originally named T I S H for Terribly Ignorant Stupid Hate but some wise guy posted on his Facebook page , Twitter and a couple of dozen news site commentary sections that T I S H spelled backwards was ***,  and even though the moron didn’t notice that T I S H spelled backwards is actually  HuhSIT, we decided it wasn’t worth the aggravation of explaining it every five minutes, so, we had to drop the T….asshat---so, by now, you’re asking, well, what’s the cure? what do we do?....and that’s the bad news…you see…there is no cure….because you can cure ignorance through education…but America’s got sports megaplexes to build, so schools will just have to wait----and as anybody who has watched even two minutes of any TV show with the words Real Housewives, Keeping Up With or Kendra in them knows, there is no cure, not, actually, even any hope that we will ever see a cure for stupid in this lifetime----so why am I talking to you  about this terrible mutation, this I S H?  …for two reasons….because I had about four minutes to kill in this segment of tonight’s show and was really tired of talking about Donald Trump and Kim Davis and the other in our face, news headline making symptoms of Ignorant Stupid Hate….and the other reason? actually, there isn’t any other reason…I’m just tired of talking about Donald Trump and Kim Davis and Kim Kardashian and Miley Cyrus and Mike Huckabee and Al Sharpton and the Westboro Baptist Church and Joy Behar and all the other symptoms of the virus that is eating a once uneatable nation up from the inside….then again, maybe there’s a few bucks to be made by doing a telethon to raise funds…MD has Labor Day pretty locked up, but how about we do it on Cinco De Mayo since Trump has put Mexicans front and center? Nah…that would be ignorant…and stupid…and hateful….
I S H…ignorant stupid hate---when loving thy neighbor, ALL thy neighbors,  is simply not an option..."


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